It’s Sunday Morning. That used to mean trying to get organised and get the WildOnes dresses, breakfasted, ready and out the door to church…where quite often they were the only children present.

I’ve been signed off work for almost 7 weeks now. My mental health was at breaking point. I was having daily (sometimes even more than 1 a day) panic attacks. I wasn’t the mum I wanted to be. I wasn’t the wife, or daughter, or friend I wanted to be. I definitely couldn’t give work the attention it needed or deserved (for those that don’t know I work for the Methodist Church). I really didn’t like God.

These last couple of weeks I have finally given myself a break (yes it took several weeks before the guilt stopped eating me up). Do I feel guilty not taking the WildOnes to church today? No … Because I know that we will go back eventually. Rather than stressing and trying to get everyone together, I enjoyed a quiet morning by bribing the WildOnes with biscuits and letting them destroy the lounge by tipping all their toys out (again) while DaddyETW and I actually sat together in bed and had a coffee (or two).

I’m now just sat in the sun, having eaten breakfast outdoors. The WildOnes are supposed to be tidying (somehow I doubt they are) and who knows what DaddyETW is doing. But I’m just sat with Luna, next to the veg patch that I should be feeding, and doing nothing. You know what? I can honestly say I don’t feel a shred of guilt for stopping for 5 minutes. For letting myself be.

Soon I will be returning to work. Soon it will be the Summer Holidays. Soon (as in 30 minutes if I’m lucky to get that long) chaos will rein supreme again in the ETW household. But soon is not now. And that is what I want to try and hold onto. Finding the quiet times. Finding space for myself. Taking time without feeling guilty or constantly thinking what I should be doing.

I will separate work time and none work time. I will put myself first from time to time. I will enjoy my children. I will take time to talk to DaddyETW (and not about the WildOnes or schedules or minutiae).

It’s only taken a near breakdown, a very patient counsellor, an understanding doctor, two very supportive parents, a loving (if slightly exasperated and exasperating) husband, a very good friend, and a group of crazy like minded online mum friends, to get me to see reason. To get me to realise putting myself first is not selfish but necessary.

So this is it. This is my new aim. I don’t want to go backwards…I still have a way to go, and decisions to make, but right now, here in my garden, I have surprised myself by finally feeling at peace with myself. And you know what? I kind of like it.